Random Realization

I never realized that the title of stay at home mom meant something to me.

I was updating my social profile and adding my new work and it really hit me.  I have never thought any less of a mom that works. For me it is not the amount of time you spend with your child, but the quality of that time. I never thought that staying at home with Braylon defined part of me. But I guess it defined a LARGE part of me for the last 15 months.

I have never thought that working moms cared less for their children or that their kids were doomed in life. But I guess part of me did because I keep having issues. I keep thinking that people are going to think this of me. It must be a reflection of some sort.

I know that I love Braylon. And this whole going back to work is really driving home how much I do care for him. I have never been this conflicted over anything in my life. It seems that all my away energy and even sleep time is consumed in the going back to work. I keep having dreams of how I am going to pick him up from school or get him to school when I have to work from 8 to 5. I mean he is 15 months. He can't even go to kindergarten until he is six! I think I have time to figure this out. Who knows if I will be at this job. Or working in general. I think I seriously need a chill pill. But this is me the constant worrier. I have nothing better to do than to worry about how to get Braylon to and from school in the year 2016. Oh and then their are sport practices! How am I going to get him to all of those? Huh? You know those are coming up too! In the year 2020.

I know I need to breath and take this a day at a time but it is so hard. I am worried that by working I am showing him I do not love him. Crazy I know. The funny thing is only at night I have these thoughts. During the day, I know for my sanity and to be the best parent I can, I need to go back to work. But after seven when Braylon is super cuddly and sleeping it all gets to me.

One day at a time, one day at a time....

PS I promise that tomorrows post be about Braylon and not me.